Closed Door

Before I go into details about the title, let me tell you an incident. This incident comes to my mind whenever i think about a closed door.

This happened way back, at certain age when I don't know how old I am! Less than a year may be. Mom and I were alone in the house. The house was locked from inside and mom was inside a room. I can see a great horror in my mom's eyes whenever she narrates the event. I, the chotu Gopi, locked her room from outside and sat on the floor and started crying!

Haha...You can imagine! Mom so painstakingly tried to give me instructions to me from inside the locked room. I  am a stupid now only, imagine a one year old me! :D

Anyways after few hours, i finally freed her! And this incident became a sweet (rather horrific) memory to my mom and to me it's a reminder of how idiotic I was (am!).

I am in many ways a closed door. Even people who think know me, don't know much about me. There is always another closed door to be explored, always!

It has always been difficult for me to share about things about myself and to trust.

Why?

I gave it a thought too, and I must say I am not sure. The best reason I can come out with is "May be because of few experiences I had."

When people always try to change you, tell you to be like everyone else, always try to change you rather leave to be yourself....as you grow up, you become smart enough to conceal the real you and give people the version they wanted and after few years as you look back you end up thinking no one really understands you, where as the real problem you is not being yourself. This is precisely my story too.

Few months back, i realized this and i told myself that I would open up. I would let the person inside me to come out, but what to do? I cannot go to everyone saying this is not me, the real me is somewhere inside me! (and horrify them! :P)

Pretty confusing huh?

So i came up with an innovative idea and guess what, this blog took birth!

Yeah, this is the place where I be myself 100%. I can open up, be my real version, tell my opinions and don't have to worry if I may not fit in or my view of life is different. This blog, right here, helped me a lot to open the closed door (a little of course) and I am no more sacred to myself! :) (I have my set of fears too!)

Pretty honestly i am trying to open up and it takes some time. (so much time actually!).

Still me is me, and no matter how much you think you know me, you don't know me. :P

Then why am I telling all this?

Well, if you think I am not opening up according to your expectations, know that it is my natural tendency. That it takes some time for me, that it doesnot mean I am trying to neglect you.

Next time, Don't just knock the door, BANG IT! If once you are able to navigate the inner chambers, you wont be disappointed! (I can assure this)

My teacher

We all are sailors travelling back,

back to the place where we came from.

The sail, sometimes stormy, sometimes smooth,

sometimes lonely, sometimes with fellas.

There comes a time in the sailors life,

when he gets the courage to inquire,

about his nature, life and the sail.

Fueled by his courage, his passion sustains and makes him ready,

thus a student is born.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears;

marking the beginning of an eternal companionship, 

where each fulfills the other.

The above few words (which i am doubtful what to call, a passage? a poem? ) explains it all. This applies to everyone, "when the student is ready, the teacher appears".

There is an old saying,  "God created man and woman because he loves stories." Every man and woman has a story to tell, not just one story, but  many stories that are interwoven and form their life. Here comes my story about my teacher.

Two and half years back, one fine day I met him. I heard he read thousands of books, "let me see him once, i thought". On the very first day, in that small group of people, he came to me, looked into my eye and told me "I liked your dedication, keep it up!" That struck a chord. I knew I am serious about the mystery of life as a whole but no one ever pointed me that it can be called dedication.

I started visiting him. I would go to his house, sit there, right in front of him and would ask questions. I would decide to ask few, but as I start asking him, each answers of his would give birth to another question and it goes on. I used to go to the deepest of things. This routine continued. I would call him, talk for an hour or visit him, stay few hours. Almost all conversations are Q and A format. He answered patiently, not for days, months but for 2 and 1/2 years. 

It's only in the beginning of the year 2011, I started to understand. It's in this same year I realized his true value. I never told him what a great teacher he is, not even till today. We kept journeying along without any titles. 

How lucky I am, to have met him! I went through some rough weathers which I think he too have gone through himself and may be thats one of the reasons he handled me the best way possible. 

He never would give me direct suggestions, never. He answered me and left me to take my own course of action. All along he was there as a guiding presence.

Some of his best word to me (which i think might help you too)....

• Don't try to figure out everything with just your mind.  Thinking wont solve everything, learn to use intuition
• You never get what you want, but what you need. Create a need first.
• Develop a holistic perspective. Take any thing and view it from a scientific, philosophic, spiritual, psychological perspectives. Be inclusive.
• There are causes and effects. Work on the causes and be detached from the outcome. Effects will be taken care themselves.
• Keep your head high in the sky and feet rooted in the ground.
• Don't bother about speed. Find your pace in  life.

The above just a few, there are many more.

All these years he answered me every time, never expected anything from me and I, not even once did anything for him. What can I do? What can match all the guidance he has been giving me all this time?

May be, one day when I am ready, I can find someone like me who wants answers and shall guide him.

But...

Will I have the patience and the grandeur vision to guide, nurture, answer someone all the time for two and half years and not expect anything at all?